I don’t think I’ve ever spoke about my past with P1s biological father. I guess because it’s not a very nice topic to talk about. It’s been two years and I think that is what has sparked my need to write about it.
When I fell pregnant with P1 at the very young age of fifteen I thought I was madly in love. I believed I would be with her father for the rest of my life. We’d always had a rocky relationship. He’d cheated and lied more times than I care to remember but my naive, immature mind kept running back, forgiving, forgetting. I look back and wish I hadn’t but then I remember that I wouldn’t have my beautiful P1. I don’t regret my relationship with her father, not one bit, I’m just sorry that it wasn’t different.
was am a victim of domestic abuse.
The “love of my life” started to hit me the moment we got our premature daughter home. He blamed it on stress. He said it was me. He said sorry. He told me he loved me. To me, that made all the pains ok. I know now that it wasn’t the slightest bit ok and it certainly wasn’t an excuse.
I kept quiet about the abuse for a year, let him do it to me, let him rip my heart open and mend it again all in a matter of minutes. I thought this was love. It wasn’t.
Eventually, finally, once I’d moved out on my own with P1. I found the guts to tell someone. Just a friend though. When I finally had the guts to report him I found myself still protecting him. We weren’t in a relationship anymore but I felt the need to protect him from harm so that my daughter could have a relationship with him.
That was the biggest mistake of my life. Protecting him. Protecting someone that wanted to hurt me. The 30th September marked two years since I was sexually assaulted by my daughters father. That day sent me into turmoil. I could forgive and forget all the other times he’d punched me, kicked me, pinned me down and shouted at me. We were finally on track and actually at a friendly, amicable relationship so that he could see P1 without any problems.
I’d gone and dropped her off for the weekend with her “Daddy” and that’s when it happened. I could never forgive that day. It was such a shock and such a horrible situation. But in a way it has made me stronger.
I have an absolutely amazing family now. A wonderful husband and two absolutely beautiful children. Life situations definitely change and shape the person you end up becoming. I know that my journey and my shaping hasn’t even finished yet. To be honest I’m quite looking forward to when I’m an old lady and I can look back and smile. Smile at all the life events that I struggled with, that I breezed past and all the things I learnt from!
(This is not a sponsored post in any way. But if you are a victim of domestic violence, and it comes in many shapes and forms, then please take a look at this website: http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/ Do not suffer in silence because you are not alone!)
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