Losing my Nan was the worst thing to ever happen to me. I felt an emotion that I’d never felt before and I’m scared to feel it again. I can’t even describe the way it felt.
I felt the same thing last night during my dream. It was so real and so terrifying. My Nan was in my dreams, in fact she keeps popping up. She was there as alive and real as she was 16 months ago. Obviously as dreams are, it was pretty vague and blurry in parts but basically my Nan was in a coma for 16 months. The hospital gave us the news that she’d woken up. She came home and spent one day back where she belongs, with my Grandad in her own home. My Nan phoned us the following morning to tell us that my Grandad had passed away in his sleep!
That’s where I felt it. The horror. The pain. All over again only this time it was in my dream. It was so clear and real. I woke up feeling emotional. Feeling scared but I couldn’t text my Grandad as it was 4am!! I wanted to make sure he was ok. He was alive.
My Grandad was quite ill over christmas. Worryingly so. I have admitted to him that I had thought he was going to die. He didn’t reassure me, he agreed and said he thought it himself too!!
I feel like I’m waiting. That our days are numbered. That every phone call I have or every text I receive or every visit we have together is our last. I know deep down they could be and to be honest it could be that way for anyone I speak to. But to lose my Grandad is something I’m really dreading. More than anything right now.
He’s 84 years old this year. For his age he looks amazing. He still walks pretty much every day into his local town. He can still drive. He’s still sane… Well! I’m proud of him and he’s my absolute hero. I’m getting a little teary thinking about all of this but I need to vent my thoughts somewhere.
My Grandad has been the only man to be consistent throughout my life. I’ve got a real dad that I barely see or speak to, and I’ve had a step-dad, I stopped seeing when they divorced, and I HAVE a step-dad but they’re not consistent. They are not the ones I automatically think about if I need advice or to tell about our day or achievements. It’s always been my Grandad and my Nan.
My Grandad has done so much for me and for my girls. I’ve relied on him for everything. It kills me to think that someday, very soon, he’ll no longer be there to be able to phone or text or hug. He won’t be there for P1 to have sleepovers or be taken to the park on her bike. He won’t be there. He won’t be there for any of us.
I realise this post is a little morbid. A little depressing. My dream last night scared me and it’s all I’ve thought about today.