“I was bound to crack at some point”

Every so often, usually around when my period is due and I’m a hormonal wreck anyway, I have a mini breakdown where I feel useless and like I am failing. The girls have been slowly tearing away at me for a few weeks now and I was bound to crack at some point. Yesterday this happened.

It was just after midday and P2 had been demanding everything under the sun, having tantrums lasting 15 minutes or more over not being given milk in a bottle and generally ignoring me. P3 has been refusing to sleep unless she’s rocked or in our bed. I am emotional and physically exhausted and yesterday the tears started streaming. P3 was in her cot screaming her little lungs off adamant she was not going to sleep despite not having slept all day.

I poured my heart out to hubby. He hugged me close and P2 came over, concerned, she wrapped her arms around my leg and said “It’s ok Mummy, I’m here. Don’t cry” and in that moment my tears went from sadness to joy. My world was no longer closing down around me. I felt an overwhelming need to embrace parenting and spend time with her. So whilst P3 finally napped in the middle of our bed, P2 and I got to work creating some handmade Christmas cards before we all headed to Gymboree.

My mood was instantly lifted and the rest of the day went by with no issues at all. The screaming at bedtime was also absent which was a huge relief and I sat down to finish the Christmas cards we’d started and watching Children In Need. Of course that created lots of moments where my eyes were watery and it is always a chilling reminder of how lucky you are. My problems are very small compared to others.

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Then just before bed time the Sky News app informed me of the horrible events that happened in Paris last night. This morning, now I’m more awake and able to read properly about what went on it really makes me furious. I normally avoid the news like the plague because it upsets me. I am not naive to think if I don’t read it that it won’t effect me, but by reading it causes anxiety and sadness. All day I’ve been confused and angry. Upset.

I don’t and can’t understand why anybody wishes to harm anyone. Whether it is terrorism related or not. Life should not be like that. Humans should not be like that. We are far superior a race to have to fight against each other like animals, trying to be the biggest and the best. As a human we need other humans to help us progress through evolution. To survive. So why the heck are we killing each other? I refuse to try to understand it because I’m scared that if I do, and others do, it will start to make it an acceptable way of life.

I have never really had any reason to live each day as it’s my last, yet every single day there are constant reminders of why I should be. Why I shouldn’t let the tantrums, sleepless nights and arguments control my life. Why instead I should be embracing those moments, dealing with them in a calm way, brushing it immediately under the carpet and not holding grudges. Life really IS too short and I’m not here on earth long enough to be having breakdowns about parenting troubles.

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6 comments

  1. Lovely post 🙂 I’ve been the same today, lots of confusion and generally feeling upset. But also gratitude for my happy life and its occasional small problems. I’ll never understand why our race turns on itself, or what the ultimate goal is for terrorism. All I know is that good always wins over bad, and I comfort myself with that thought when I look at the innocence in my son’s eyes.

  2. Things like the events in Paris and the children on Children in Need really put things into perspective….I’ve stayed of Twitter most of the day because of how I was feeling this morning. Sad, upset and horrified….Those poor people and their families x

  3. A beautiful heartfelt piece. Like you I read the news reports properly when I woke up this morning and it just makes me sad 🙁 I don’t understand why people feel the need to do this

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