“I knew that I was going to break at some point but didn’t quite expect it to be now or to feel the way it does”

I haven’t cried properly since last Tuesday, not until last night anyway. I had my wedding dress fitting yesterday which I had expected to be emotional but I didn’t cry. I just stared in the mirror thankful that my Nan had been there when I chose this dress and thankful that she’d kindly paid for it. I was experiencing happy emotions.

Then on the journey from Essex to Kent the tears started pouring. Prompted by the song by Christina Perri “A Thousand Times” and the tears have barely stopped.

I knew I hadn’t had any real time to grieve for my Nan. It’s been obvious as I’m snapping at my OH and at P1 much more than usual. I knew that I was going to break at some point but didn’t quite expect it to be now or to feel the way it does.

It’s been a whole week since I last saw her, a whole week since she passed away and it’s not getting any easier. It’s actually getting a whole lot harder to cope with. I want to feel happy when I think about my Nanny, not upset and frustrated about the things we’ll never do anymore. Like our chats and the way our glasses used to bash when I kissed her goodbye.

On a happier note, I’m wearing a normal bra for the first time in over 7months!

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