Each month the lovely people at Channel Mum send out content ideas and topics to get us thinking and creating. I actually haven’t really joined in with them on my YouTube channel yet which is probably quite stupid really. I film a weekly vlog at the moment and my confidence behind the camera is getting much better, but sometimes I feel so passionately about some of the topics that I just can’t get my words out. On here or on my YouTube channel.
For June they have been talking heavily about body positivity after having a baby. I have scrolled through and admired all the brilliant bloggers and vloggers that have been brave enough to show their skin and post on social media, their YouTube channels and their blogs. I know that this takes incredible courage because having a baby definitely changes you both inside and out. I have been inspired by each one telling their own stories. But I just can’t seem to relate to any of them.
I am not willing to accept or love my post baby body just because it has grown three humans. I think that is actually quite a lame excuse for being lazy with your health and fitness. Yet I am exactly that. When I fell pregnant with P1 I didn’t really put on any extra baby weight. It’s going to sound cliche but it literally fell off and I did bounce back to my original flat ironing board stomach just four weeks after she was born. But with P2 I put on a heck of a lot of weight.
I have never been fat. I am obviously still very young in the scheme of things. Being a large person carrying extra weight is not something I have ever wanted to be and when I look back at photos of myself in the six months after having P2, I honestly feel sick. I was chunky and not one part of me felt proud that I’d grown a human or satisfied that my stretch marks were war wounds of pregnancy. I just felt disgusting.
I went on a strict Juice Plus diet and I lost so much weight to the point I started to feel better about myself and my own body. I started to wear less baggy clothes. Then I fell pregnant with P3. I was determined to watch my weight and control the portions I was consuming. Every inch of me did not want to end up a larger person with people saying to me “but you’ve had three children”. It’s just not an excuse!
I did quite well in comparison to P2s pregnancy. However, it has been the after pregnancy where my problems now lie. I am heavier now than I was after P3 was born and I lost the initial water and physical baby part of pregnancy. In the past two years I have stayed around the seven stone marker for weight, but now I am nearing the seven and a half stone. I know this doesn’t sound much to normal people, but I am actually a really small person. The size of a 10-11 year old to be precise and my BMI is nearing the Overweight section.
If it was just my weight, I might be able to stretch to acceptance but never love. I feel uncomfortable in clothes I used to rock confidence in. I literally panic about what I can wear every single morning. I even change my clothes several times a day. My relationship with food is so bad. I am proud of every body that loves their Mum tums and stretch marks. I honestly am. But for myself, I just can’t look in the mirror and be happy the way I am. Things have got to change before I make myself ill.
I know that I am not obese. I’m not stupid. I know that a lot of people are jealous of my body and love the way that I look. But I just don’t feel comfortable in my own skin anymore. I experience hip and leg pain because of the extra weight that I am not used to carrying. My thighs touch for the first time ever and actually rub when I walk. My skin bulges around my bra straps and I’ve even gone up a size. I can’t fit my bottom in jeans and dungarees that used to be my favourites. My tummy hangs over my leggings/shorts/trousers and jiggles when I walk.
I want to be body confident. I want to learn to love my body but first of all I need to get myself healthy again. I need to tone up and slim down incredibly for my size and until then I am not willing to love my post baby body. I’m sorry for that.